saying kaddish...

tonight I said kaddish for the first time. perhaps it was something I should have said 3 years ago. but tonight I said it for a good reason. It was to mark the end of mesechet shekalim, a particular section of the Talmud, as part of the daf yomi cycle. I was the only person in the weekly gathering who had actually learnt every page, and so it fell on me to stumble through the words. 

A bit of background. Kaddish is mainly known as being the prayer that a mourner recites in the period of time immediately following the loss of a close family member. But I lost a baby, late miscarriage, and in that circumstance kaddish is not said. But the kaddish, which is basically a prayer that praises God, is also said as liturgical punctuation to highlight and emphasis particular prayers and occasions. By saying the kaddish at the conclusion of a section of study, it turns it from an intellectual act into something perhaps spiritual. Praising God. Not something I wanted to do 3 years ago, and not certain how I feel about it now....

I was not prepared or had expected to say the hadran (conclusion prayer after completing a section of Talmud) and kaddish tonight. But I think that had Michael, the rabbi who teaches this weekly round-up of daf yomi, if he had given me any prior notice I would have agonised and fretted, got anxious and probably would have resolved the internal conflict by just not turning up. And there were so many reasons for awkward stumbling. I am a woman who grew up in orthodox synagogues. Prayer is whispered. I am not used to raising my voice in prayer for others to hear, let alone lead. it’s odd and regrettable how conditioned I am... and the language is tricky and unfamiliar Aramaic... and the content is not something I am comfortable in reciting, with praise for God and blessings for my offspring, I didn’t want the words to leave my mouth and so they got stuck in my throat.

I am not at all upset with Michael for putting me in that position. (although I did feel that with every stumble and falter I was proving why women should not study Talmud, and exposing myself for the sham of a serious student that I am....) I am very touched that he asked me, brought in other students to make up the quorate of ten, didn’t ask if anyone minded if a woman said this prayer but just got on with it... exactly what you want in a rabbi really. He was following the script, in the situation when one completes a section of Talmud study one says this.... But a script, a set ritual, a way of publicly acknowledging something, that was sorely missing 3 years ago. And since then, while some may think I should be over it by now, I have been angrily kicking back. Amongst a whole context of hurt and pain. 

My taking on the daf yomi learning, studying a page of Talmud a day, is an attempt to chart some sort of path with my strong ambivalent relationship to traditional jewish texts, life, everything. I constantly question myself why am I doing this, why am I still doing any of this, and there are days I want to throw the damn book to the floor. I haven’t come to any conclusions as to why I am still doing it. not really. But there are days when the learning flows, ideas click together and then I hate myself for enjoying it.... it’s complicated.  Perhaps it is just the simple act of having something on the to-do list every day, regulating my time and anchoring me as I rage on. Each section that I have completed is worthy of acknowledging. And so I falter with the script, and turn my learning into a stumbling prayer of bitterly swallowed words. 

Let's be honest...

this article is by Dr Harris Bor. He does not have a blog, or is on facebook, and so I am hosting his response to Rabbi Alan Kimche's recent missive about Limmud. This is not by me, but make no mistake, I wish I had written it. I agree with every damn word. 

LET’S BE HONEST ABOUT THE ORTHODOX JUDAISM BEING ESPOUSED IN A RECENT ARTICLE (I have tried to keep faithful where possible to the wording and style of the original article. It is recommended that this article be read together with the original.)

Dr. Harris Bor

By all accounts this Orthodox Judaism offers an amazing experience. It survives by perpetuating the myth that Judaism has remained constant for over 4000 years and is warm, friendly, interesting and engaging -it's clearly all this and more. But there's one thing it most definitely is not. It's certainly not a Judaism which would be recognised by Jews of the distant past. This Orthodox Judaism is not anything like the Judaism of the ancients, and so would certainly not be recognised by Ezra or Hillel, by Rashi or the Rambam, or indeed by the grandparents of most of Orthodoxy’s adherents. History applies to Judaism as it does to everything else. Let's be honest. 

In this Orthodox world you will hear a Rabbi from Hendon or Golders Green speaking about how wonderful it is for a wife to stay at home, while her husband learns all day, even though he has no aptitude, ability, or desire to learn or teach, explaining that there is no truth but the truth of Torah, which accords only to his interpretation; or from a fellow from a certain yeshiva castigating any approach to Jewish learning which takes account of historical realities or empirical research, calling this dangerous, subversive and insisting that it must be shunned, and who suggests that the only answers that you are entitled to are those which this Orthodoxy sanctions, as any other insight will inevitably lead to sin. --it soon becomes crystal clear that the Orthodoxy being espoused is essentially built on fear and the desire to keep the masses in ignorance.

As for the social aspect of this Orthodox programme, it is effectively one of isolationism, where all who subscribe to the same doctrinal narrowness come together to reinforce the correctness of their own outlook and the error of anyone else’s. Despite the purported message of ahavat yisrael (love of Israel) and kol yisrael arevim zeh bazeh (all Israel are responsible one for another), the real programme amazingly has at its heart the belief that Orthodoxy is the she’erit yisreal (remnant of Israel), and all those who find Orthodoxy troubling or inadequate to tackle the questions of the day are apikorsim. It takes only a little thought to realise that the true motivation is control, the invention of structures and beliefs, to ensure that without the sanction of the rabbinate nothing goes. 

In this Orthodoxy you will often be told that there are only immutable Truths no personal narratives, yet it soon becomes apparent that no one can agree exactly what those truths are or justify their immutability. The Exodus from Egypt that we love to recount on Seder Night must be taken literally, heterosexual marriage is just perfect, and the stories of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob have no poetic or mythical value whatsoever other than that which the traditional commentators ascribe to them. Those who espouse this type of Orthodoxy are often neither articulate nor lucid, which explains why many of the things they say have little appeal to those looking for authenticity or truth.

Let's be honest. This has always been the agenda of this particular type of Orthodoxy, created in reaction to Haskalah and Reform Judaism, it has no genuine creative source of its own. Its’ task is to oppose by force, not win by persuasion. Since its creation in the 18^th/19th centuries it has encouraged generations of Jews to adhere to a belief in Torah-Min-Hashamayim, but has failed to explain what it means by “Torah”, “Min” or “Shamayim” in this context. It has held to the mantra that a Jew with Rabbinic Halacha, with mitzvot, with Talmud, with Shabbat, with tefillin, with the mikva, and with Emunah, has everything to withstand the inducements of assimilation and still transmit his or her faith to the next generation. History is yet to judge. The mantra of course also ignores the possibility that assimilation is not the main problem, but the type and quality of the Judaism that survives.

But I have heard it asked, why are these particular Orthodox rabbis not going to Limmud, surely we live in a world of choice, in a supermarket of ideas? Indeed, and these particular Orthodox rabbis cannot compete.   

Let’s be clear. These Orthodox rabbis believe passionately in the Divine Origins of the Torah, the commitment to Rabbinic Halacha, the sanctity of marriage and family life and the divinely ordained connection between the People of Israel and the Land of Israel. However, they cannot recognise that these principles have developed and changed, taken on different hews and can even now be shaped further while preserving orthodox practice. These Orthodox rabbis believe they alone are the exclusive guarantors of Netzach Yisrael, the indestructible sanctity of the Jewish People. When they promote a systematic denial of all beliefs other than those which they espouse, they undermine their own credibility and simply make lots of people think they are ridiculous. This type of Orthodoxy celebrates a rejection of much that is precious to thinking human beings. For this reason, there is also a subversion of Judaic principles in this approach.

It is agreed that it is absurd to claim that arrogance or fundamentalism drives certain Orthodox leaders to denounce Limmud. This is not the case. Instead, it is their fear, need to retain control, and inability to rise to the challenge. The suggestion that their refusal to participate involves “clarity of vision” and that their “objective is only to defend everything that is precious and vital to Jewish continuity and authenticity” is pure hubris and convinces no one. “Leadership” is also not a real factor. To be a leader, you need followers, and relatively few actually agree with these so called leaders, not even many of their congregants who often humour them and do their own thing. It would be enlightening for someone to take an anonymous poll of those communities over whom these Orthodox leaders claim to have sway. Why do they think so many Orthodox people go to Limmud? They clearly do not respect their Rabbis half as much as their Rabbis might like to think. Let’s be honest.

And it’s not only traditional religious principles that are being abandoned by these Orthodox leaders, they also wrongly assume that to be Orthodox is to support Israel on any issue and no matter what it does. It is asked, what about the passion that Anglo Jewry has had over the years to support Israel? The answer is that passion remains, but ,many have now matured beyond youth group propaganda and are able to take a more nuanced approach to these issues, as many Israeli’s have done. We can admit Israel’s mistakes as well as take pride in its miraculous existence, its acts of righteousness, its strengths, its creativity. We are no angels, and neither is our State. Many attendees at Limmud, are grateful to encounter messages that are different to the ones they might receive each week which tend to tow a certain line, in an environment where people’s underlying sympathy is generally supportive.

Only someone who has had no decent secular education would listen to a far-left pro-Palestinian speaker and suddenly direct all of his or her sympathies to the suffering Palestinians in Gaza and consider it a terrible a crime of human rights has been perpetrated by building the Wall. Only a fool would have his or her indignation ignited against the so called human rights violations of the checkpoint searches of the IDF, and alleged Zahal war crimes by going to one talk. But it is right to be challenged, to be confronted, by these alleged wrongs. If we really are the Am Segula (treasured people), a Mamlechet Kohanim (holy nation), a Goi Kadosh (Holy Nation), we have a duty to absorb criticism, to sift truth from fiction, and where we have acted wrongly to say salachti (forgive me) and to put things right. How else can we fulfil our divine mission? So screening a far-left film like ‘Poisoned’ about four young men enlisted into the IDF and how it impacts destructively on their lives, is important. 

It is said that no speakers at Limmud can be found to talk about the systematic incitement to jihadist hatred of Jews which is commonplace in Palestinian schools and universities. There is also a complaint that there are no speakers to talk about the “high-calibre” moral code of Zahal, the rapid economic growth rate of the Palestinian economy or Palestinians treated in Israeli hospitals, or the increasing number of East Jerusalem Palestinians in a 2011 survey who greatly prefer being citizens of Israel rather than a new Palestinian state, because Israeli Arabs have more civil rights than anywhere else in the Middle East. 

Let’s be honest. What this complaint really amounts to is that Limmud is not promoting a 100% pro-Israeli agenda. Why should it? Is it not also the case that the proper way to redress any perceived lack of balance is to become part of the “Limmud agenda” rather than distancing oneself from it? The argument works for attending, not rejecting, Limmud. 

The article asks is it a part of Jewish teachings to promote LGBTQ? (Why also does the article not state what that means- fear that these things may be catching?) The answer of course, to date, is no, but it’s not the promotion that is the issue but how Judaism deals with the modern readiness to be honest about ones sexual orientation, rather than to suppress it as in the past. This failure to adequately deal with this issue is particularly problematic for many Jews, regardless of their sexual persuasion. If Orthodoxy does not offer sensible answers and practical solutions to these real issues, another type of Judaism will. It really is that simple. Let's be honest.

It is stated that one particularly eye-catching form of non-authentic Judaism is the bogus mysticism of ‘kabbalah.com’ teachings, and that the profound teachings of genuine Kabbala were designed to deepen our grasp of the mystical truths of the Torah and to enhance the practice of mitzvot by a rich symbolism and transcendent meditations. The assertion completely ignores the strong antinomian tendency inherent in all forms of mysticism, including Kabbala. It is simply wrong to pretend that Kabbala was designed for a single purpose, or to suggest that this is the only purpose for which it has been used within earlier Judaism. 

For sure, there is also much nonsense in the popularisation of mysticism, but it is astonishing that an article written by someone who should want to draw people towards faith, does not view the current interest in mysticism as a yearning for dvekeut coming from deep within the human soul, and to seek to capture the wave by directing that interest in a more traditional direction, rather than mock what is of course a straw man. 

It is also important to recognise that much of the so called authentic Kabbala taught in popular Orthodox classes on hasidut and even in some yeshivot is a million miles from what might be called “authentic Kabblala”. Is this nonsense better than that nonsense? Probably not. Let’s be honest.

I am not suggesting for a moment that Orthodoxy does not have a powerful attractive force, but what I am suggesting is that the type of Orthodoxy espoused in the article is massive turn off for many who might otherwise call themselves Orthodox. 

The patronising description of the sincerity of the Chief Rabbi and the other Orthodox leaders who attend Limmud is hard to take seriously, as is the comment that the attendance of Orthodox leaders “creates confusion in foundational matters that require certainty and clarity”. How exactly is that confusion caused? We are not told. Perhaps the idea is that the mere attendance at an event where someone espouses a different view will be taken by some half wit as an indication that the attendee accepts all of the myriad views being espoused? 

This is a common fear expressed by a certain type of orthodoxy. However, if this were a real concern, it would be dangerous for the opposition to attend Parliament unless people felt that they were about to agree with the Government, and no barrister could attend court for fear of being seen to agree with the other side. This type of fear emanates from a community which is unused to difference and genuine dialogue, because where there is dialogue, as in Limmud, it is understood as a matter of course that different people are likely to hold different views. No one would assume because someone attends a talk, he or she will agree with what is being said.

We then reach the “short personal anecdote”. I have a number of my own. I have met Orthodox Jews who consider that the whole of Tanach presents a perfectly consistent picture of Jewish History, deny that before the 18^th century there were many Jews who were not orthodox, who think that modern science to a significant degree is fundamentally flawed and that the Rabbis of the Talmud still lead the way in this regard, and that there is no truth outside the Torah. We do not need to ask these Jews where they get these views.  They can only have been inculcated in them by a certain narrow Orthodoxy, which allows many questions to be asked, but only few answers to be given 

One of the greatest achievements of Anglo-Jewry for generations has been to push the boundaries of mainstream orthodoxy in a respectful fashion, without wholeheartedly embracing Reform, Liberal and Masorti movements. In doing so we have consistently and unswervingly succeeded to ensure that the core of Anglo Jewry is affiliated to Orthodox Judaism while creating an environment of sincere questioning which has led to a new generation of thinking and committed Jews who meet at events organised by Limmud, an achievement that other countries observe with envy. Even a brief look at the line-up of presenters and titles at Limmud shows this to be the case. Limmud opens vistas, while respecting boundaries that have been so jealously protected in the UK for centuries.

So why indeed are several orthodox speakers so opposed to other Orthodox speakers teaching there? We have already said: fear, control, and having nothing themselves to say. 

So what is it exactly that I am advocating? To shut down Orthodoxy? Absolutely not. I believe firmly in it. However, openness must be at the spiritual vision.

Let's just give this conference its true name “Limmud”, which means simply learning. As for a certain segment of the Orthodox community, we need to recognise that it will no more attend such an event than it would join a Reform or Liberal or Masorti synagogue on a Shabbat morning. On the basis of current statistics, this type of religion is likely to survive, but will it be productive or attractive to many intelligent, spiritual Jews? Not in its current form. Let's call a spade a spade. Let's be honest.

Dr Harris Bor is currently a commercial barrister. Harris has a PhD in History from Cambridge University and an LLM from London University (QM&W). He has been a visiting scholar at UCL and a teaching fellow at Harvard University. 

dance rehearsal part 2

last friday I went back to the Rambert Dance Company to draw Barak Marshall’s rehearsal. I had such a great time when I was there on tuesday, the drawings weren’t great but cobwebs had been swept from my head, and I just enjoyed the act of just sitting and drawing. as I said in the last blogpost: it was glorious.

last friday. not so glorious.

the joy of being back drawing, rediscovering that pleasure and focus, had passed. and now it was time to concentrate and not waste this opportunity...  I arrived slightly late. not a good start. it doesn’t take much for the traffic on the north circular to slow down to a snail’s pace, and on friday it rained. sigh. “it’s raining. traffic’s an arse. sorry, running late” I texted Barak, conforming to the english stereotype of complaining about the weather as a way of smoothing social interaction....

When I arrived in the studio the dancers were working on the duets part of the piece. Duets. two dancers dancing together. two separate dancers and their bodies, but forming one fluid form of movement. it’s beautiful to watch. it’s a bugger to draw. especially if you are a little bit breathless from running in the rain. (NB: scanner is playing up so decided to photograph rather than scan the drawings. I quite like seeing the sketchbook as an object, but harder to get the white levels right)

I am not a dancer. I do not know the right terms or jargon. apparently last tuesday in the studio they were "cleaning" so Barak wasn’t sure if it would be good to come. I learnt that “cleaning” in dance rehearsals has nothing to do with sponges, buckets, or sweeping away cobwebs, but going over small sequences of dance to refine the particular movements. Perfect for drawing. Friday, on the other hand, they were going to do a run through of the whole piece, without pause. Beautiful to watch, a privilege to see a work-in-progress. Not so easy to draw. The drawings got looser and more scrambled.

 I realise that I drew more dancers resting than at the previous rehearsal. I needed their stillness as a contrast to the movement. 

Part of the piece involves balloons. So balloons needed to be inflated. Obviously person inflating balloons needs to be drawn. 

Huge thank you once again to Barak Marshall and the Rambert Dance Company for allowing me into their rehearsal space and letting me draw. I have had the music stuck in my head in a constant loop. it made for very interesting Yom Kippur background melodies. 

The piece, The Castaways, will be at Sadler’s Wells. Oct 22nd. 

drawing again

recently I have been learning about spreadsheets and databases, marketing copy and risk assessment forms.... I have just started working at JW3, co-ordinating bits of the art studio, putting together events and altogether having a wonderful creative time with some great people. And learning spreadsheets and various bits of software. Bless the elves who designed artifax, that should make work easier and simpler. but bless the patient elf who had to train me to use it. I really shouldn’t, when faced with technology, think I should come up with scenarios that it isn’t designed for, and get gleeful satisfaction when the patient elf says “hmm that’s a good point... I’ll get back to you” (I also am this annoying in Talmud classes)... because I am after all, an artist. And artists, as I hear on a regular basis, are different. in not a good way. 

but today I remembered I was an artist in good way. today I did a series of drawings in a dance studio and it was glorious. My drawings weren’t but the experience of drawing was. Thanks to my friend, Barak Marshall, a guest choreographer at the Rambert Dance Company, I was lucky enough to see the work in progress, sit quietly in the corner and just draw. Barak and I met at an artist retreat, appropriately called Asylum. It was an artist retreat but it was really a gathering of all those who find themselves being cast as different, in not a good way, when they are in any other setting. 

So there I was, in a room full of dancers who could do amazing things with their bodies, while my body was getting used to sitting on the hard floor, getting a numb bum, pins and needles in my legs, and getting ink all over my fingers while struggling trying to capture the fleeting gestures and idosyncratic movements, making mistakes, making a mess, just making... as I said, having a glorious time. 

here are some of the drawings from today. A HUGE thank you to Barak and the people at Rambert Dance Company for allowing me into the private working space of the rehearsal studio. When I draw dancers, and it has been a while so I am a bit rusty, I tend to focus in on one dancer at a time, study their movements and gestures, get into their flow, and tend to blank out the others. After much practice at drawing and seeing I can widen the focus and start to map out the total space and the dance within. but not today. They were rehearsing a new piece for a  performance at Sadlers Wells in October. and from what I can make out from the individual moments the whole will be something worth seeing, without any blanking out. 

warming up with a couple of pencil drawings... I used to draw a bunch of musicians, and one of them always ALWAYS would say: do you have enough lead in your pencil... and then laugh heartily at his own wit. idiot.

...but today I didn't have enough lead in my pencil. I'm the idiot. had to use the fountain pen.

Barak asked me which dancer this was. "it's the one wearing black" I replied....

they were all wearing something black, in some fabulous T-shirty drapy fabric that only dancers can make look casual and elegant.

the water-brush pen makes an appearance.. (btw they did offer me a chair but I juggle so many different pens and pencils and stuff that if I am not sitting on the floor I am forever picking up stuff I have dropped on the floor)

there is a time for silence, and a time to speak out

it is not a good time to be a jewish woman.

it should be. but it isn’t.

in israel, Anat Hoffman and others are intimidated and arrested at the Kotel. they were singing, saying the shema, and wearing tallitot. Disturbing the peace. They were raising their voices and making their presence felt. Which doesn’t go down too well with the black-hatted bully-boys who are claiming ownership over the public spaces in Israel. 

And here in the UK, in the inside closed world of haredim, it appears that one woman (or possibly more) have been taken advantage of and coerced into improper sexual activities. their leaders have successfully nurtured a culture of mistrust of the outsiders, so they won’t report it, and the cover-ups and gossip thrives. and while we all speculate who the rabbis are. who knew what and why they aren’t saying. or why they are saying some things and not others, and the power games between the various factions continue. Amongst all of that are women who are being intimidated into silence.  

And at the other end of the spectrum on our TV’s Jewish women are being portrayed as tired stereotypes that we wince, cringe, and tweet our disgust. Jewish women depicted as caricatures, and we want to reach for the remote.

turn them off. turn off these jewish women who are loud, brash and inappropriate. they might say something that will make us uncomfortable. remind us of the flaws in the community. Our idealised Jerusalem, Golders Green or Hampstead. 

This is not about the character of Anat Hoffman and whether or not what she did was a deliberate provocative political act or a genuine expression of spirituality. But there is a principle of m’toch lo’lishma ba lishma - if you start to do something for the wrong reason you will eventually do it for the right reason, so don’t examine inner intentions, just do it. That principle is never applied to women and their spirituality. Women have to be perfect before they can protest and be taken seriously. It's not relevant why Anat Hoffman said shema. The fact is that she raised her voice and prayed. Loudly. And if that is something a woman at the Kotel can be arrested for, then there is something very very wrong.

This is not about how consenting or not was the woman involved in the case in GG. This is about women being vulnerable to leadership and authority, not being safe and being used by men in their power plays. If what is said to have happened didn’t actually happen, but is someone causing trouble, why create a sex scandal? Because you can get away with portraying women as silent victims of a sexual predator. This is a consequence of making a virtue out of women’s silence. Women will not be able to come forward and speak when they need to. Either to clear an innocent man’s name, or to verify, expose abuse, and prevent further damage. 

And this is certainly not about any of the individual women who are participating in the Jewish Mum of the Year catastrophe. This is about the context Jewish women are placed in. There is only one way to be a Jewish woman, the particular role of a particular type of Jewish Mother. They are framed in a setting of tired stereotypes to be smothering, brash and dominating. They may be loud but we don’t want to hear them, their voices have no real power. 

This is about women’s voices. The ones who pray loudly. The ones who don’t want to speak but have something to say. The ones who speak in a way that make us uncomfortable. Even them. Jewish women, all Jewish women need unlimited platforms for expression, not relegated to one-dimensional caricatures. This is about Jewish women finding their voices, speaking up, protesting our dismay and anger at how women are being treated.

Because this is about learning to hear a woman say “Shema! - Listen!” 

to be counted

so, I've been drawing daf yomi. learning a page of talmud a day and then responding with a drawing. I started in august at the beginning of this daf yomi cycle and so far I've kept up. I done the learning each day, and apart from the 2-day yomtovs, I've done my drawings (I play catch-up motzei-yomtov with 2 drawings).

some days the drawings are better than others. some days, the drawings are a bit obvious, forced, just routine, not really saying or adding to the learning. but then there are the other days when the process of drawing reveals something, and my thoughts of the page click together while thinking with pencil in hand, and then it is all worth it. but one thing is certain, I have definitely learnt this material. I look back on the drawings and can recall the page, the discussion and topics.

I am not yet sure really why I am doing this, why engage with this material at all, it is so problematic in so many ways. and it can be a slog getting round to it. I started the project with a drawing of myself in the pose of saying shema as mesechet brachot begins with discussing from when can one say the night-time shema. but I drew it with my eye open, direct stare, confrontational almost. and I thought that it was fitting. this text, the talmud, is so influential in the development of jewish life and thought. and I want to know what is in it, learn it, but also take it on in my own space of my sketchbook.

it's not been easy. due to recent events, my attachment and commitment to judaism and torah has been extremely challenged and I am still questioning. my dear friend J described me as a queer jew. who has realised that they are now external to the text, and cannot find themselves in the literature. he said that two choices faced me, either walk away, or build a bridge... so I suppose this is me, drawing daf yomi, building a bridge but with eyes wide open to the text.

and I finished mesechet brachot. which was an achievement as over the 63 days, I had the disruption of travelling, chagim and lots of stressful situations and on-going health problems. but I did it. and I am continuing with mesechet shabbat, excited for what will be over the next few months.

but I finished mesechet brachot. and this is where I hit a bit of a wall that made me rethink my commitment to more than just this project. I try to go to a weekly daf yomi shuir, edited highlights of the previous 7 days dapim. taught by the brilliant R. Michael Pollack at LSJS, there is an interesting mix of regulars - both men and women. last wednesday we had a little siyum to mark finishing mesechet brachot. it was during succot, so a few people were away. we didn't have 10 jewish men and so the full text of the hadran and kaddish was not said. what irked me, and niggled and hasn't gone away, is that me, and the other women, just didn't count as part of the quorum. irrelevant. and to add to insult. my husband was at the siyum (it was at our house) and he wasn't doing daf yomi and yet he would have counted towards the quorum. we were a group of people who had embarked on a project of learning, who come together. and when such a group reaches a significant size, it is deemed worthy to come together and also praise God. but the women around the table, whose minds and thoughts have contributed to the conversation and have taken on this commitment are now invisible.... (putting aside that I'm not too sure about prayer and praising God right now).....

I'm trying to work out why it matters. why women who are not counted as part of a minyan in ritual prayer continues to irk and feel insulting. my take always used to be, communal prayer is a men's club, I've accepted that, but give me full and equal access to learning and knowledge. but as I have learnt in mesechet brachot - prayer and learning are linked. the communal project of minds and voices coming together to learn, discuss, challenge and refine thinking, are also the minds and voices that come together towards a comprehension of God. women are part of the conversation and yet in prayer they are invisible members, uncounted as part of the group. and it's not ok. not any more.

tomorrow night will be simchat torah. at my local synagogue they will not be giving a sefer torah to the women to dance with and celebrate. they will not be calling up women to stand before the torah and have that direct experience of facing the text. not in the main synagogue, not in the 'alternative' minyan, nor would they have agreed to a women-only torah reading in a separate space within the synagogue - should anyone have the naive optimism to ask if such a thing could happen. I could go to another denomination, or change countries, but this doesn't really solve anything. it's not ok for me, and it is unsettling for many others as well.  walking away just reinforces the status quo, nothing changes for anyone. it's just not ok to continually challenge women's intentions. it's not ok to not to acknowledge a male privilege position and not acknowledge this silencing of the voices of half the community. if women are indeed part of the community or not....

this year, as I am engaging with the Torah in a more intense and personal way than I have done before, a line from meschet brachot comes back to me (63b) - a person who learns by themselves will grow foolish. we need other people to engage with, to listen to. But also to talk to, and be listened to and acknowledged. or else they will drive themselves crazy.

and I am another crazy woman in the attic known as the ladies' section....

drawn out ending

I'm tired. Actually I'm exhausted. it's been a long day and it is drawing to a close, I am nowhere near the end of today's to-do list. But the sun is going down and as it does it fills my studio with a pink/orange glow. I am now coming to the end of prepping my work to send to new york for a solo show that, hopefully, will open this sept. All my artwork from the last 18 months or so, will be going into that one box. carefully packaged and sealed. but it all fits into one box. And during that time so many other things have slipped and gone. The only thing I have managed to hold onto during these dark and troublesome couple of years is that every day I climb those stairs and go into my studio. And I work. and all the stuff that I cannot say to other people, and so I don't talk at all to other people, it 's all there. In that box. All in that one box.

I have thoughts about the box getting damaged, destroying the contents. Or getting completely lost. And then there will be nothing that remains from this.

Perhaps that will be a good thing.